After years of pondering the best way to serve mankind and use the skills that I have graciously been granted, I have had a breakthrough.
I want to work in an environment where 'breakthroughs' are had and then properly lionized—in the form of television commercials.
I am ready for this. My bags are packed and I haven't even sent my resume yet. I'm determined to head to the white halls of the Oral-B Institute where teams of scientists, engineers and designers clad in bright white coats and safety glasses hold clip boards and nod approvingly. Billions of Oral-B customers have each contributed with the purchase of a toothbrush to finance the creation of one of the world's most hi-tech facilities.
Well-lit white halls with tall ceilings lead to spacious laboratories that are filled with striking team members from every race who oversee giant working holograms of space-age motorized brushes dislodging plaque from between teeth. In adjacent labs, scaled up representations of molars are lowered from cables into crystalline vats of coffee, wine and other liquids that stain teeth before traveling down the line to have their snowy colour restored by king-sized toothbrushes with neon-green gum massagers. I want to join the ranks of the Experts At Oral-B!
Right now I sit and stare at a 21 inch monitor—pale by comparison to their 15 foot holographic projections—and complain as the air conditioning at my studio kicks in and thunders above my head. It sucks. The people I work with suck and there isn't a single six-foot Norwegian blonde in the place! It's subhuman.
This resume is ready to go. Get me out of this hellhole. Will someone please tell me where the Institute is and send me some contact info? Failing that, I would settle for a postion in the Loreal Hair Science department...
